


A Short Monologue

by lowermiddlechild



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, I'm sorry about this, Implied Relationships, Jean's monologue, Literally just a monologue, Love, M/M, canonverse, thoughts on paper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:05:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3430487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowermiddlechild/pseuds/lowermiddlechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's thoughts on love feat. Marco, Levi & Eren</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Short Monologue

It’s down right weird. 

Love, I mean.

When I first joined the military I thought love didn’t exist. Now, lust, I know lust exists. I feel it every time I look at Mikasa’s silky black hair. Lust isn’t extraordinary. In fact, it’s completely commonplace. It’s normal. Love, though, that’s strange, dangerous. 

After the wall fell, I thought everyone would be too caught up in trying to protect what little of humanity was left to think about anything as frivolous as love. I mean, honestly, who has time for that shit? We’re too busy. Constantly running around, trying to prepare for the worst, trying to find a way to protect what little we have left. The Higher Ups seem to think we could even strike back. Take territory back for humanity. I guess with Eren that’s possible. Like I said, we don’t have time for love. 

But even more than that, I don’t think that we’re strong enough, that _I’m_ strong enough, to love. Every mission, every expedition, recently, every time we step out of the goddamn door, there’s chance that we won’t return. Even the best fall. One mistake can mean your life. Normal people can’t live with the threat of losing their own lives hanging over their heads much less the life of their lover. 

To love someone, truly love someone, could I even try? 

Would I want to? 

Honestly? No. 

That’s a lie. If he was still here… I’d have no choice. But now? To find new love… No. I don’t think I could. It’d tear me apart. And I’m just a regular solider. A lucky solider but still only a solider. Imagine being Humanity’s Last Hope. Or Humanity’s Strongest. One of them is always on the front lines. The chances of one of them dying? Through the goddamn roof. 

Maybe they’ve already lost it. Gone completely off the deep end. To keep believing that each other will continue coming back… they must have gone insane. 

Sometimes I think I can see it in the way the Corporal’s teacup is held with a slight tremor, or in the way Eren tosses and turns the few nights he spends in his dormitory bed. That insanity is always on the cusp. Though along with that tangle of darkness, intertwined with it probably, is a sense of supreme calm. Supreme understanding of who they are and what they signed up for. 

I imagine falling in love, true love, must be like falling off a sheer cliff into a dark and churning sea. One second you’re standing on the edge, unsure of your own intentions, listening to the wind scream in your ears as you try to understand how you feel and where to go from there, and the next second the rock underneath your feet has broken off and you’re sent tumbling down the cliff face. It doesn’t matter if you wanted it to happen or not. The turbulent waves are rushing up to meet you and suddenly you’re engulfed in the freezing, salty water whether you want to be or not. You can try to swim, try to claw your way back up the cliff, but the water pulls on your clothes and every notch your hand finds purchase on crumbles as soon as you begin to heave yourself out of the swells. Eventually your strength runs out and you accept your fate as you’re dragged beneath the waves. 

Though if that’s the way it happens, then your lover’s eyes must be the light in the depths, an undersea haven that you simultaneously want to protect and escape from. Because you know that though you’ve already fallen off of the cliff and plunged into the sea, this light, this paradise, is the true point of no return. This light is the knowledge that your entire being is now tied to someone else. The knowledge that you would put your own selfish desire to live second if it meant that your lover would have even a minutely better chance of survival. 

It must be a truly amazing place, the Corporal and Eren’s paradise. 

I’ve been watching the two of them more often, trying to get a glimpse of this underwater haven. Truth be told, I can see their calm, their understanding, more often than I can seem their insanity. It’s subtle for sure, but still evident. The way Eren laughs more around the Corporal. The small smile that can be found on the Corporal’s face as he listens to Eren talk about the ocean, his friends, his dreams, his dinner, anything really. 

I’d like that calm. 

I’d like to understand someone else exactly the way they understand me.

I want to have that unexplainable pull towards another person. To feel the tug of their life and it’s importance to me. 

I’m too selfish for that though. Marco deserved better.

Marco would have smiled as he stood at the cliff’s edge and laughed as he swan dived into the tides. He would float on the swells, basking in the warmth that the water held. His love would give him strength as he dove under the waves in search of his lover’s light. To be loved by him would have been to wake up in his underwater haven and feel the warmth of the sun as it shines through a calm, cerulean sea straight to the seafloor. 

I don’t deserve that kind of love. 

But I want it.

I miss him.

Love is strange. 

More importantly, love is dangerous. 

Sometimes I get worried that I’ve already fallen. Cracked my head against the rocks as I tumbled my way down. Drifting through the waves constantly being pulled under and forced back up. I could search for safety, though without him I have no underwater haven to swim to. No true reprieve from the crashing waves. It would be better to drown. Give up and allow the tides to swallow my body and soul. Quit while I’m behind as it were.

But every time those thoughts enter my mind, I’m reminded of him. Of his smile. His eyes. His laughter. He wouldn’t have wanted this for me. I can’t let myself drown. 

So I’ll continue treading water, struggling to keep my head above the surface. 

**Author's Note:**

> Last night I was at work, typing away at The Bartender and the Motorcycle Man and I hit the ugliest mental roadblock of my life. So I saved my work, opened a new page, and just started typing and this is what came out.
> 
> It's literally just a short monologue from Jean's POV.
> 
> If you want to chat with me my tumblr is bicyclestandard.tumblr.com


End file.
